Dad, you missed everything! You missed the 2014 BCS Championship game! A shame, too, because the game had everything: thrill, guts, superstars, points, commercials, timeouts, statistics, commercial timeouts, official reviews, official review timeouts, challenge flags, challenge flag timeouts, injury timeouts, commercials, two minute warnings, words from multiple sponsors, and a football game lodged in somewhere between all that. Luckily for you, I’ll break it down while you read everything off of a screen twenty feet away. It’s better this way, since I’d probably “um” and “uh” my way through the story if I told you in person.
So, uh, the BCS title game. Florida State University against, um, Auburn, two schools no one outside of their respective states would ever know about were it not for their football teams. You watched the first ten minutes of it with me until the two beers you drank clocked you out, so I’ll spare you that part. Anyway, FSU had been choking hard because they hadn’t played anyone worth squat all season and didn’t know how to play teams not composed of JV women’s lacrosse players. Meanwhile, Auburn had put up fourteen unanswered points because their team was brimming with talent. They’ve got arguably the best 1.5 GPA football team the SEC has to offer. They had whooped mighty Alabama and their basket-weaving-major running backs, they had stomped dangerous LSU with their daunting corps of table-measuring-major linebackers, and even took down explosive A&M and their I-don’t-even-knead-a-major-cuz-I’m-goin’-pro quarterback! FSU’s team and their alleged-rapist-whose-case-was-never-investigated-by-the-Tallahasse-police-for-an-entire-year-not-because-he-was-a-bigshot-quarterback-for-a-bigtime-football-program headed into the locker room at halftime, wondering if “10” was lower than “21” and finally realizing that they were indeed losing.
But during that dark locker room at halftime, FSU’s coach gave a fiery speech. He reminded his team, with tears in his eyes, that they were FSU — they could go toe to toe with anyone in the SEC! Hell, the kids in front of him, with their academic suspensions and probations and their theft and assault charges and criminal allegations and fake majors and doctored transcripts were playing for the ‘Ship because they out-eligibled every other school in putting the best ineligible players on the field, 1.3 GPA’s and all! This was their year, he shouted, they were the team of destiny, not Auburn; with probable NCAA sanctions looming in FSU’s near future, it was now or never.
That second half, FSU slowly clawed its way back into the game. They punched and kicked and bit, and pulled every trick in the book, and in the fourth quarter points rained down on both sides like the money had rained down in the strip clubs their teams’ boosters took the players to when they were high school recruits. FSU returned a kickoff for a 100-yard touchdown. Auburn’s running back scored on a 37-yard run with one minute left by deflecting FSU defenders as if he were calling upon the holy grace of Auburn’s athletic director during the $cam Newton scandal.
It was FSU and their QB Jameis “Alleged Rapeis” Winston, however, who were left standing at the end. Winston found his wide receiver with thirteen seconds left on the game clock as the FSU crowd went bananas and everyone knew that they could care less if the guy raped or didn’t rape a chick as long the kid was a winner. #Winning, duh.
And THAT was the BCS Championship Game you missed out on, Dad.