It’s difficult to find a sports team to support, particularly at a school like Penn. The football team is FCS, meaning FBS teams pencil us in as “creampuff victory/opportunity for fifth-stringers to get some reps” on their calendars. The basketball team hasn’t been good since 1994 when the Fighting Quakers defeated the Cornhuskers 90-80 in the first round of the NCAA tournament– since then, admissions have required a minimum score of 1500 from basketball recruits. The Quidditch team hasn’t been worth shit since we burned most of the witches at the stake two years ago. School spirit can go fuck itself in its Quaker asshole if we’re forced to watch either god-awful academically eligible student athletes or fencing. No one wants to watch student athletes – we want stoodint athleets. That’s why “Deliberating on Unique, Creative, Hip Eponym, Still,” or “DoUCHES,” is making its inaugural entry into Penn’s men’s competitive intramural soccer league as your soon-to-be favorite Penn sports team.
DoUCHES (name is still undergoing creative process) will field quite possibly the most talented, athletic, academically repulsive squad in intramural history (barring that team of assholes that won intramural flag football this past season because they had two former football players on their squad. Cumbuckets). Because we’re new and we want to get the word out about DoUCHES, I’ll be writing every week about the team members, up until I can’t write any more write-ups because we do have some semi-randos I don’t know too well (Good guys, of course, but semi-randos nonetheless). Keep up to date with our squad, get pumped for at least one sports team this season, and come watch DoUCHES pummel the limpdick competition!
Profile of the Day: Mark “Coach” Gallagher, CB, vice captain
Overview: There’s a reason Coach is called “Coach.” He’s on the Dean’s List as an engineer. He has a stable, long-term relationship with his hot girlfriend from back home. His mom stocks his fridge with the best cheese ever. He can play any position on the pitch, even a power-bottom (Source: Sources). Without Coach, not only would the team be academically ineligible to play, but we would also lack a stable presence in the back line that can coordinate the D and push the ball up the pitch in a counter-attack. A quiet team player who leads by example.
Coach has routinely been asked by teammates to quit making everyone else look bad. He has responded by being perfectly likable, funny, intelligent, and thoughtful. January transfer rumors have linked him to Manchester United, where Moyes would not know what in the actual fuck to do were he to sign a good player.
The key to success will be to convince Coach to ditch schoolwork and come play with us Neanderthals for the intramural ‘ship. Bribing him with beer will be essential.
Theme song: “Good Vibrations,” Marky Mark And the Funky Bunch
Coach’s hit song before he dropped the hip-hop act and went to college.
2014 Season Forecast:
2 goals, 324 tackles, 1 yellow (for being a ginger), and significant impact on cohesion of team. Will most likely be voted as captain after Week Two.