It’s difficult to find a sports team to support, particularly at a school like Penn. The football team is in FCS, meaning FBS teams pencil us in as “creampuff victory/opportunity for third-stringers to get some reps” on their calendars. The basketball team hasn’t been good since 1994 when the Fighting Quakers defeated the Cornhuskers 90-80 in the first round of the NCAA tournament. The Quidditch team hasn’t been worth shit since we burned most of the witches at the stake two years ago. School spirit can go fuck itself in its Quaker asshole if we’re forced to watch either god-awful academically eligible student athletes or fencing. No one wants to watch student athletes – we want stoodint athleets. That’s why “John Terry’s Mistresses” is making its inaugural entry into Penn’s men’s competitive intramural soccer league.
John Terry’s Mistresses will field quite possibly the most talented, athletic, academically repulsive squad in intramural history (barring that team of assholes that won intramural flag football this season because they had two former football players on their squad. Dickwipes). Because we’re new and we want to get the word out about John Terry’s Mistresses, I’ll be writing every week about the team members. Keep up to date with our squad, get pumped for at least one sports team this season, and come watch John Terry’s Mistresses pummel the limpdick competition!
Profile of the Day: Tim “Tiny Feet” Suzor, MF, secretary
Overview: Legend has it that the last people to see Tiny Feet Tim’s tiny feet were former Nazi scientists who were working on the world’ strongest microscope. Realistically, we’ve all seen Tim’s feet, and they’re tiny in the ordinary sense – a size 7, I believe. Tim, being the secretary of the team, is assigned the typical duties of a secretary: sexually harassed, overworked and underpaid, and kills it in a blouse. Tim will be one of the midfielders of our team, and we’ll put him at the wing to have him run down the sidelines and make plays for us via crosses and dribbling. Also, he is a motherfucker, as stated next to his name.
While admonished constantly by the team’s asshole of a captain in regards to his play, Tim’s athleticism and savvy understanding of the game brings much-needed oomph to the team. An unrelenting hard worker on the pitch, Tim excels when given the opportunity to exploit space on the field. A very good communicator who will constantly strive to improve himself and his teammates.
The key to success will be avoiding the injury bug. Tim, currently 57 years of age, has knees and hips that would elicit pity from Betty White.
Favorite Team: Liverpool FC
As a history major, Tim enjoys talking about the long-gone glory days of LFC. It is assumed that he would get along quite well with fans of the LA Lakers.
2014 Season Forecast:
4 goals, 2 hip replacements, 1 wheelchair upgrade, and leadership