A Peek into 2014′s Best Intramural Soccer Team: Hassan “Ladykiller” Saab’s Player Profile

It’s difficult to find a sports team to support, particularly at a school like Penn. The football team is in FCS, meaning FBS teams pencil us in as “creampuff victory/opportunity for third-stringers to get some reps” on their calendars. The basketball team hasn’t been good since 1994 when the Fighting Quakers defeated the Cornhuskers 90-80 in the first round of the NCAA tournament. The Quidditch team hasn’t been worth shit since we burned most of the witches at the stake two years ago. School spirit can go fuck itself in its Quaker asshole if we’re forced to watch either god-awful academically eligible student athletes or fencing. No one wants to watch student athletes – we want stoodint athleets. That’s why “John Terry’s Mistresses” is making its inaugural entry into Penn’s men’s competitive intramural soccer league.


John Terry’s Mistresses will field quite possibly the most talented, athletic, academically repulsive squad in intramural history (barring that team of assholes that won intramural flag football this season because they had two former football players on their squad. Dickwipes). Because we’re new and we want to get the word out about John Terry’s Mistresses, I’ll be writing every week about the team members. Keep up to date with our squad, get pumped for at least one sports team this season, and come watch John Terry’s Mistresses pummel the limpdick competition!


Profile of the Day: Hassan “Ladykiller” Saab, MF, Koskesh

Overview: I don’t want to give the guy too much grief, but I’ve only seen Hassan in two scenarios on campus: he either has a lady by his side, or he has multiple ladies by his side. Wherever I’ve gone with him, our team’s official ladykiller seems to know his way with the opposite sex, while I just kind of stand around and watch him do his magic, hoping to get some of his table scraps. The last party we went together ended with him tapping on my shoulder to let me know he had to leave early, because, you know, as he gave a sideway glance at a girl who had her arm around his. Come to think of it, this exact scenario seems to have happened to our last however many outings, with the only difference being the girl by his side.

Coincidentally, the reason he’s a John Terry’s Mistress is because of his ability in the hole. A multi-sport athlete, Hassan possesses the kind of two-way athleticism that lets him attack and pass fluidly from the middle as well as defend and cover his opponents physically. While his deft touch finds open women off the field, the same deft touch finds open men on the field. Hassan can also play every position, which makes one wonder how many sexual innuendos I can bring in during this analysis of his play.

The key to success will be for him to fight off all the women who throw themselves at him. Seriously, for the love of Mesut Özil, send them my way.

Biggest Flaw: Arsenal FC fan

As fantastic as Hassan is, he is unfortunately a Gooner. For any other player on John Terry’s Mistresses, this would result in capital punishment, but being such a great friend and a thoughtful dude, he’s avoided any sort of disciplinary measures. For now. Wanker.

(PS: Seriously, just please teach me your ways with women and I will give up on giving you shit about being a Gooner. How do you do it?)

(PPS: I usually ask the girl if she’s had any VDs right when I meet her, might that be something I shouldn’t do?)

(PPPS: I’m desperate, man.)

2014 Season Forecast:

3 goals, 4 assists, 32 broken hearts, 142 fan letters, 0 advice given to me, countless gloating about Arsenal being on top of the EPL table


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