It’s difficult to find a sports team to support, particularly at a school like Penn. The football team is in FCS, meaning FBS teams pencil us in as “creampuff victory/opportunity for third-stringers to get some reps” on their calendars. The basketball team hasn’t been good since 1994 when the Fighting Quakers defeated the Cornhuskers 90-80 in the first round of the NCAA tournament. The Quidditch team hasn’t been worth shit since we burned most of the witches at the stake two years ago. School spirit can go fuck itself in its Quaker asshole if we’re forced to watch either god-awful academically eligible student athletes or fencing. No one wants to watch student athletes – we want stoodint athleets. That’s why “John Terry’s Mistresses” is making its inaugural entry into Penn’s men’s competitive intramural soccer league.
John Terry’s Mistresses will field quite possibly the most talented, athletic, academically repulsive squad in intramural history (barring that team of assholes that won intramural flag football this season because they had two former football players on their squad. Dickwipes). Because we’re new and we want to get the word out about John Terry’s Mistresses, I’ll be writing every week about the team members. Keep up to date with our squad, get pumped for at least one sports team this season, and come watch John Terry’s Mistresses pummel the limpdick competition!
Profile of the Day: Yuma “酔っぱらい” Tada, MF, first (drinking) mate
Overview: It’s impossible not to like Yuma, and it’s easy to see why. He’s a Tottenham Hotspur fan who wishes that one guy whose name rhymes with “Bareth Gale” still played for the team. He’s a Borussia Dortmund fan who gets to watch Bayern München buy up the BVB stars one Götze, Lewandowski, and (soon-to-be) Reus at a time. He’s a down-to-earth guy who grabs drinks with the team captain every Wednesday at Tap. In other words, you feel for him and pity him like no one else you’ve read about before.
Thankfully, Yuma’s game on the pitch isn’t quite as sorry. He’ll line up as a winger on the Mistresses for multiple reasons. The first reason is that we really need him on the wing (as a quick aside for my not-so-soccer-savvy readers: the first point of soccer is to plug good players into positions they play well in; the second point is for those players to score more points than their opposition). The second reason is that, having played soccer throughout his life, Yuma has the touch and vision to deliver crosses and passes to our offside forward. Composed of Yuma, Hassan, and Tim, the midfield will be chucking passes across the field like Eli Manning handing out interceptions.
As an added bonus, Yuma will be able to communicate in Japanese with our two other Japanese players, allowing him to listen to all the dirty things I may or may not have done with his mother last weekend.
The key to success will be for Yuma to root for a team that will actually make it into the Champions League next season so that his morale stays high during the IM season and he doesn’t degenerate into a stout-drinking mop of sadness.
Yuma’s Favorite Group of Words: “Gareth Frank Bale $100 Million Real Madrid Transfer”
2014 Season Forecast:
3 goals, 3 assists, 12 complaints about his shit Spurs, 1 drink too many on Wednesday early evenings