Hans Watches Television: ALARM FÜR COBRA 11

After a thirty-three hour trip that finally took me to dinky little Pinkafeld in Austria, I passed out on my freshly washed dormitory bed at one in the afternoon. When I woke up, my watch read 11P.M and I had a bad case of jet lag. Fortunately, my room came with a twelve-inch television. I flicked the TV on figuring that this would be a good way to practice my hörverständnis.


I flipped through the eighteen channels that I had access to and settled on ALARM FÜR COBRA 11: DIE AUTOBAHNPOLIZEI. This happened to not be a particularly difficult decision, as ALARM FÜR COBRA 11: DIE AUTOBAHNPOLIZEI was competing with the likes of a channel spoken entirely in Hungarian and another channel that broadcasted a log indefinitely burning in a fireplace. In fact, the benefit of watching ALARM FÜR COBRA 11: DIE AUTOBAHNPOLIZEI was that, even with my relatively poor listening comprehension skills, I did not have too much difficulty understanding fast cars, large explosions, and gun fights, which meant that I could transcribe what happens in this particular episode below:


The episode begins with two male soccer players, Kevin and Mehmut, exchanging a few words in their apartment. The apartment is filled to the brim with soccer paraphernalia and trophies to communicate to even dummies that, hey, these two dudes are soccer players.


“Mehmut, I must tell you, that das Unterdinggus verboten ins der Himmel.” Mehmut, shocked by Kevin’s words, grabs Kevin by the shoulder.


“But Kevin, you know that I will always love your Dunkelfenster and that there is no Schwesterbestätigung that I will not tell you about!”




“Kevin…” They then begin to make out. The scene cuts to the protagonists driving along on the autobahn in their Mercedes.


“Have you seen the soccer scores from the weekend?” The younger cop shouts at his partner, who looks like a less ugly version of Franck Ribery.


“No, why? Did Bayern fällt der Vogelmeisterschaftigung zum Beispiel empfehlen the cock?” The typical viewer is probably supposed to laugh here because everyone knows that Bayern always does something with their cock to the rest of the Bundesliga.


“Ha-ha! No! The cock had mindestens Krankenwagen natürlich in the ass! 2-0 Köln!”


“Köln? But I had thought Köln unsere weisters genauso Bürgermeister Hauptbahnhof for at least two years?” Before the partner can respond, a body falls from a bridge that they pass under, and the resulting skid causes a fifteen-car accident. The show makes sure to not only record every car as it rams into the one before them, but the reaction of each driver inside the cars. The policemen stumble out of their now-shattered Mercedes to find the body of the gay soccer player we know as Kevin, and the scene cuts to Mehmut and his soccer teammates inside their locker room as they are informed of their teammate Kevin’s death. Mehmut runs out of the room crying. One of the policemen runs after him and attempts to console him.


“What is wrong?”


“My friend is dead! Now I will never know what it’s like to Wienerschnitzel with his Montag zu Freitag on the pitch! I will never be able to receive his Aktionpreis passes or kick my wunderschön balls to him!” The policeman, sensing a little bit of homoeroticism from Mehmut, asks whether they were more than just friends and teammates – like, did they smash, or nah? Stunned, Mehmut stares at the policeman and is about to begin talking when his father-manager walks in.


“Get up, sissyboy! And you, cop, leave us alone! He is my Tasche and anything you try to pry out of him wollen sollen Manteufelstrasse!!”…


At this point, I turned off the TV and sat up on my bed for a few minutes to question my life choices. I then turned it back on and changed the channel until I found the log, still burning in the fireplace and crackling softly.


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