PINKELNFELD, AUSTRIA – At a secondary school of a remote village in Austria, local teenager Stefan expressed resignation at the stupidity of Americans after a school lesson on mass shootings in the United States was given in his class.
“How stupid do Americans have to be to hand out guns like candy?” A clearly frustrated Stefan told reporters outside of the school during the break between the fifth and sixth periods. “Here in Austria, you need a license to own guns. Over there in the America, your dad can say, ‘Hey, James, for your twelveteenth birthday, you get this gun. Happy birthday, Son, I love you!’ I mean, come on, that’s fahking retarded.”
Stefan, a sixteen year-old who studies electronics at a HTL and professes to have begun drinking at the age of twelve, shook his head when asked if there was a way to fix the gun culture of the United States. He took out a cigarette and asked for a lighter, which one of his friends standing next to him provided.
“No, that country is totally fahked. They have Donald Trump running for president, and people are too busy obsessing over, uh, Kim Kardashian’s butt. I always hear Americans say their country is the ‘Land of the Free,’ but let me tell you, how can a place be the ‘Land of the Free’ when the police shoot black people and are run by some of the most dumbest people in the world?
“But really, I want to talk about the guns thing again. I mean, these shootings happen all the time in the America, and the Americans do nothing over and over. I hear the American people on news say after these shootings, ‘We need more guns!’ What? That makes no sense! Mentally unstable people with guns kill people, and you want more people to have guns? Why don’t Americans understand the idea of safety?”
When reporters pointed out to Stefan that the right to own guns is considered to be a part of American culture, Stefan threw up his hands in disgust and responded that culture and traditions shouldn’t always be considered sacred.
“Look, if tradition and culture means many people die, why continue to do this thing? If there was tradition or culture in Austria that was very harmful to people, we Austrians would never allow it to continue. But in America, everyone is okay with being stupid.”
Reports claim that Stefan was last seen lighting up another cigarette and talking with friends about how fucked up he got last weekend at the club Excalibur before heading back to his class.