Me, Myself, and a Chinese Woman

After I finished writing my latest blog post and shared it on my Facebook, I also decided to share it with a Facebook group called “Americans in Vienna/Austria.” The reasoning was rather simple: I knew my friends would read my post and chuckle at what I had written, understanding that it was satire. On the other hand, this Facebook group, “Americans in Vienna/Austria,” was a group filled with occasional drama surrounding posts ironically smearing immigrants, questioning the effectiveness of social welfare in Austria, and discussing the state of right-wing Austrian politics.

 

“Hello everyone,” I wrote along with the link to my post, “I wrote a blog post about some tips to know and follow before moving to and living in Austria that may be helpful. Please let me know if you find any of them to be useful!”

 

Within an hour, the first comment rolled in raising a philosophical question about human existence:

Another group member Simon Buzzkillby, not wanting to be rude, pointed out the length of his Caucasian-immigrant status and kindly informed me that my post was neither funny nor useful:

Gwendolyne Knight Keimpema, clearly an American name, thoughtfully shared that her friends actually visited her:

While I had more or less expected these kinds of responses, no amount of mental preparation could have prepared me for the bombshell that was dropped on me a few hours later:

How Alicja had found out about my true identity, I have no idea, but I clicked on the “Edited” button of her comment to see what other secrets she had withheld from me:

So that was it: I was a mental case of a Chinese woman whose world was shattered within a few hours of innocuously sharing a blog post. I took the next few minutes to process this new reality and wonder what the dick and the pair of balls were doing resting between my legs – a thought, I later realized, that many women such as myself most likely have during, say, a one-night stand. After coming to accept my new identity, however, I had to accost Alicja about the sensitivity of the issue:

Ni-hao, bitches.

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