The Weekend Schnitzel: Vienna Declares Open Lobster Season

Vienna, Austria – After forecasts of a heat wave hitting the city in the next few days, Vienna’s municipal government has decided to declare open lobster season beginning this Friday, sources informed The Weekend Schnitzel.


“Oh, it’s lobster season, all right,” remarked café owner Markus Hummer. “Do you see all these tourists crawling about without adequate sunscreen?” He pointed at a translucent American family lounging outside of his café and arguing about whether to go to McDonald’s or Burger King.


“I don’t think those poor Americans quite know how to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit.”


Vienna’s public authorities have been working overtime to make sure tourists are well informed of lobster season. They have made various announcements and hung signs around the city that read, “Wery hot weather!”


“In particular, we’ve asked the old ladies of Vienna to be more bitter and antagonistic than usual towards all walks of life. We’re hoping that, at the very least, this will persuade tourists to leave the city sooner than planned and thus reduce cases of people being affected by lobster season,” commented Vienna’s police chief Walter Müller.


Lobster season, which takes place every summer and starts as early as May in many countries, is the leading cause of unsightly tan lines and agonizing showers. In order to reduce the chances of being affected, health experts recommend tourists to quit being so pale “because no one needs to see that shit.”


2 thoughts on “The Weekend Schnitzel: Vienna Declares Open Lobster Season

    1. I wrote this while periodically brushing off bits of peeling skin on my sunburnt left arm and wondering what in the hell happened to my lovely but-now-shattered glass apartment.

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